I had always wanted to be skinny.
I would look at others around me and envy. There were periods of time when I wanted to be skinny so bad that I was willing to do anything to lose weight. During the Thanksgiving break, that desire exploded in me. I limited myself to eating only main meals (my mom will kill me if I don't eat) and vowed that I'll starve myself once I return to school. I hated my fat body.
Last night I felt overwhelmed by loneliness and self-condemnation. I came before God. I struggled as I told my Lord about the countless times I've looked in the mirror and said,"You are so ugly with your small eyes, stupid glasses, pimples, and fat body!", about how I was so jealous of those pretty girls with their perfect bodies, and about how I wanted to starve myself.
"God!" I cried out, "Help me! I am sinning against You with my rebellious heart! God I need You! I'm losing it! I want to have a healthy self-image, I want to look at myself the way You do, I want to believe that I am beautiful in Your eyes, but I just can't! I can't! Lord help me to surrender my all to You once again..." I was sobbing, I felt so ugly, so hurt.
Then I heard Him, clear as if He was right there with me,
"I am your Shepherd, I am your Father, you belong to me, I'll take care of you..."
Immediately I felt a wave of peace washing over me, calming the storm inside of me. I felt His hand lifting the burden from my heart. I felt Him pouring new strength into me. My Heavenly Father was holding me in His loving arms, telling me over and over again that I was His own and that He'll take care of me. Tears streamed down my face as I feel my heart being healed by God.
This isn't going to be easy. It will take time. But my Lord will be there helping me to recover a healthy self-image, He will be there guiding me on the right path. God has given me the strength to choose eating healthy and exercising regularly instead of starving myself.
God I pray for everyone who feels ugly and worthless. I pray for those who feel they are too fat, too skinny, too tall, or too short. God please fill them with Your love. Lord, in this society that constantly distort our perception of beauty, it is so hard to feel beautiful and valuable. It is so hurtful. Jesus please help us, help us to know that You see beyond our physical appearances, that You treasure us simply because we are Yours. God please heal those suffering from eating disorders, depression, and drug addiction. Lord free the prisoners! God Your grace is strong enough!
Jesus thank You, thank You for giving me hope, faith, and new strength. Abba Father I love You!
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death." (Psalms68:19~20)
And now I'm going to go eat some fruit :)
"Your beauty...should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1Peter3:3~4)
6 comments:
I guess no matter how much others tell you that 'you are skinny!' or 'your legs are really pretty!' or other compliments... it is not to be compared with just the warm hug and everlasting love from our heavenly father that assure our safety and belonging in Him.
It's getting cold and dry in Riverside. My lips hurt cuz of the dryness... T^T
i agree with Sarah the wise girl up there^^
I can't tell you enough how every time I look at you, I see more in you than you often realize. I see beauty beaming from within that outshines all around you...
guess what...Alice dear...you often say kind words to me and encourage me. I am not satisfied with my body, my face, my everything AT TIMES! The devil knows perfectly how deep the well of dissatisfaction our heart can contain. It is the WORD of GOD that saves.
No peace transcends the way Jesus Christ carries it.
Every time when my victim mentality rises, I sense a strong need to uplift my spirit & to renew my soul. It's never the body that gives us the trouble...it's often our perception of things/people around us that creates such inner turmoil...
i adore you A LOT! Imagine how much MORE GOD/J.C./H.S. adores you!!!
xoxo,
Alice. I hope you really don't see yourself as fat or anything. Distorted image. Have you heard of those people? No matter how they look at themselves, they can always pick out something that's "wrong" with them. But my dear, you're beautiful and they're beautiful. God doesn't care. He loves you the way you are. Remember that. Don't let yourself get carried away with how you want to look because that's what the Devil wants. Don't let him conquer you. You are the light of the world!!!!! SHINE BABY SHINE! XD Loves you. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, especially when it's deep. lol
very encouraging to my little ugly heart too, gogo Alice, u are the beauty inside God's heart, and you are not ugly with the strong heart of loving God, the one who faithfully rise hands and arms above desire to reach God are those called the most beautiful sons and daughters of the King.
Wow. Beautiful post. :]] Sometimes not only do i get critical of my own body image but others as well. really bad. i'm guess i'm in the process of cleaning that up right now and theres one thing i have to say. It weird, sometimes when I look at you, you blow me away. Like no kidding. Like some instances at STI, Summer Camp, and after service, I see you and I'm like, wow, Alice is so beautiful, i want to be like her. It wasn't so much of your physical appearance but the Love of God in you that spilling out and just making your face glow. Paul was right, it was all about the unfading quiet and gentle spirit inside you and me thats beautiful. Yo man. Pass it on. I want some too. LOLOL.
Go listen to the last song in Ben Woodward's album. Jack has it...or you can go check out the lyric on my blog, Alice.
Keep rocking there in Irvine, girl!
The San Diego comrad
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